a stream of consciousness, becomes a river, becomes a lake, becomes a sea



This is the space above the calendar. Above days and months. Above such trivial concepts as today and tomorrow.




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"Only a couple of generations ago, we the people sang the songs and told the stories and generated our culture from the bottom up.

But now, more and more of our culture is spoon-fed to us top down by corporations, TV networks and ad agencies.

We must reclaim our culture. Start telling our own stories again. Singing our own songs. Producing our own meaning.

Creating our own cool..."

- Adbusters Blackspot Campaign




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As a total slave to opinion I have to put this link here:

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But what the fuck do those guys know?

Absolutely fuckin nothing - that's what. This link makes my blog stronger for no other reason than I bothered to have it here.

Does that make this place any better? No - obviously not. I'm popular simply because I choose to be popular. I chose to make myself accessible to the masses.

But don't mistake my want of accessibility for respect...

...I still hate most of you more than you can imagine.





It's lonely down here. What purpose can a paragraph find at the nigh-bottom of this blog? Should I be humorous? Informative? Why am I here? I wish I was that other paragraph above the calendar. Oh the wonderful things I could do from up there...






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Monday, March 03, 2008
esquimaux

"[she] underlined a lot of things in this copy of Moby Dick, but I believe the word 'eskimo', underlined all by itself, is the key to understanding Heathers pain."

    - A eulogy for Heather Duke, Heathers (1989)


i don't know much about cultural sensitivity - but I think 'eskimo' will be one of my favourite words forever.  it's possible racist undertones and my constant over-use of it in mock emo poetry should not malign it's obvious aesthetic perfection.


eskimo


cold, stark and alone - i love you.  be mine forever.

 

This thought broke free from Solender's mind at 04:06 pm
It is still at large and should be considered Armed and Dangerous
(2) confirmed sightings

Friday, February 29, 2008
enough of your nietzschean optimism!

the whole problem with the "that which does not kill us, makes us stronger" maxim is that nobody really knows what will kill them until it does.  is the suffering we go through today making us stronger by virtue of not having killed us?

what if that's just because it hasn't killed us yet?


This thought broke free from Solender's mind at 12:16 pm
It is still at large and should be considered Armed and Dangerous
(2) confirmed sightings

Thursday, February 07, 2008
letters to sanjie


...I think I write pretty much as my internal monologue dictates.  A “this-ity-this” sort of narrative.  I usually only get stuck if I notice I’ve used the same word again and again.  Or if I think of something pretty to say and have to forced it into the stream of consciousness.  Which never works and always ends up being obstrusive (a word I’m amazed isn’t a word according to microsoft btw).  Oh and I have problems with rhythms.  Like there must always, always, always be three things in making a comma-ised list.  Or that I like all my sentences to either be long or short and not a mixture of both.  Unless I’m making a point.  Of something.


Anyway, enough quantum observation – ars omnia rhetorica.  Writing about how we write, in the present tense at least, has an impact on how we write about it.  Rendering our original observations imperfect.  And I don’t know if we really want to have those sort of true insights about ourselves anyway.  Wholly defining the self is like trying to see your own face without a mirror.  Or seeing the angled reflection of your reflection and discovering the starkly alien quality in seeing yourself looking in another direction instead of engaging yourself directly eye to eye.  You can’t help wondering at what the reflection is looking at.  Cannot quite believe that it is really seeing what you see.  The illusion is broken and you know that “it” is no longer you.  If it ever really was.

I find those sort of things discomforting.  Those “who am I?” questions that rattle around in the human condition are fine, until you really throw some light on them.  Then it’s all funhouse mirrors and weird dissociative angst.  Satre was wrong – hell isn’t other people.  Hell is only one other person – the other person who might really be you.

How’s your day going now?


This thought broke free from Solender's mind at 05:17 pm
It is still at large and should be considered Armed and Dangerous
(2) confirmed sightings

Tuesday, December 11, 2007
nostalgia

i may have explained this here before.  or elsewhere.  sometime.  but i have this weird pavlovian response related to crying in movies.

i get emotional in movies all the time and back when i was spending a lot of time seeing movies with this one girl in particular, she began to notice this was a pretty consistent thing with me.  rather than give me stick though, i/she/we came up with this silly, cutesy, excuse-me reason for wiping away our tears whereby the victim simply says "itchy cheeks" and the other person is not aloud to call them on the fact.  it was one of those nice little personal things you have with someone and i really loved her for it.  and maybe still do.

aaanyway, the weird thing is all these years later, when I'm in a theatre and something really sad happens - i find my cheeks really do get just a little bit itchy and i always catch myself reaching up to rub them.  then I realize that they're not itchy at all and i'm actually just about to cry. 
every time this happens i suddenly remember her so clearly, so fondly and so sadly. which doesn't really matter, because i'm already crying anyway...

 


This thought broke free from Solender's mind at 05:52 pm
It is still at large and should be considered Armed and Dangerous
(2) confirmed sightings

conversations i never thought i'd have number 5,235

[WARNING content may offend]

We get bored sometimes and end up skype-ing silly "who's having the worse morning" messages. I think mine got a little out of hand here.

Charlotte: I'm still bored... ... listening to shitty radio and drinking instant coffee... bliss. Hows your day capiton?

Me: at least you have shitty radio and instant coffee! i have to listen to shitty customers and drink whatever rainwater has collected in my shoe - IF i'm lucky enough to have stepped in a puddle on my long, long, long trek to work through the driving snow and serial rapists... i totally win at the losing game!

Charlotte: Well, it's shitty customers or Phil Collins greatest hits back to back...who wins now? Huh? Huh? Did you get rained on this morning?

Me: no, actually i taxied in to work... but it was a pretty shitty taxi and the driver did have the shifty look of an opportunity rapist, if i'd been just a little bit drunker it could have been "today, on a very special episode of Felicity"...

Steve: Why does it have to be a very special episode?

Me: oh c'mon Steve - rape is pretty special.

Steve: Why did you have to go Felicity, why not Blossum?

Me: look, i don't really want to proffer that there is such a thing as "age-appropriate rape" but i think we can all agree that if there was such a thing, and i'm certainly not saying there is, but if there was - then Felicity would be much more age-appropriate than Blossum.

 


This thought broke free from Solender's mind at 03:24 pm
It is still at large and should be considered Armed and Dangerous
(2) confirmed sightings

Thursday, November 15, 2007
sorry, what?

what's it called when you know you've just forgotten something interesting?  like you were having some clear interesting thought and momentarily became distracted by something and then find that what you were thinking about has just disappeared straight out of your head.  you can still sense the emotional warmth not yet faded, still feel the shape of it impressed upon your mind, but frustratingly the details have left the building entirely.

i just had that happen to me in mid conversation and now, due to my OCD-like inability to just leave well enough alone, find myself in the unfortunate position of having to ask a freind what we were just talking about that, for once, was actually of any interest to me what-so-ever...

 


This thought broke free from Solender's mind at 01:12 pm
It is still at large and should be considered Armed and Dangerous
(5) confirmed sightings

Friday, November 09, 2007
love as a mexican standoff

weapons - loaded and lethal, pointed directly at each lovers heart.  fingers trembling against emotional hair triggers.  eyes steeled for that one flinching glance.  a single moments hesitation.

someone blinks.

and the bullets fly.

 


This thought broke free from Solender's mind at 04:12 pm
It is still at large and should be considered Armed and Dangerous
(1) confirmed sightings

the necessity of fools

any time society draws a line in the sand - some Ass, free-thinking or foolish, is going to want to step over it.  then the tribe gathers around to see what needs to be done with this guy.  trying to work out why he crossed it.  did he not see it?  were there not enough signs?  what are you son - an eejit?

before you know it, so many people are standing out near the line, watching and judging and thinking on it - that it starts to look a little bit more like a centre than an edge.  and suddenly that boundary is too damn close with everyone all pressed up against it.  so society has to pick it up and move it again - redraw the whole fricken societal landscape.

but you know what happens any time society draws a line in the sand...

 


This thought broke free from Solender's mind at 02:26 pm
It is still at large and should be considered Armed and Dangerous
(2) confirmed sightings

Thursday, November 08, 2007
attitude and amplitude

it probably has something to do with the universal principle of dualism.  there's always a protagonist and an antagonist.  good and evil.  male and female.  yin and yang.  there's always a scale along which things exist and at the end of each scale are the archetypes.

on certain levels a thing is defined by "the other" - the very thing that it is not.  along the "popular cola beverage" scale there is coke at one end and pepsi at the other.  so too the "sci-fi star-faring soap opera" has starwars and star trek at polar opposites.  and so on.

life's actually a lot more complex than that, but if you boil it all down to fundamental principles - the communal consciousness is just a bunch of loop routines in predictable entropic decline.

 


This thought broke free from Solender's mind at 09:38 am
It is still at large and should be considered Armed and Dangerous
(1) confirmed sightings

Wednesday, November 07, 2007
disambiguation

here's what i (currently) think the basis of the human condition is - the drive to be completely unique tempered by the need to not look like a fool.  by degrees people are basically on a pendulum oscillating erratically around that equilibrium position.

me?  i would much rather swing too far - than not nearly enough.

 


This thought broke free from Solender's mind at 05:29 pm
It is still at large and should be considered Armed and Dangerous
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